Saturday, June 09, 2007

I am so tired, but have to talk

So almost exactly a year ago I lost my closest cousin. No not to death but to a complete and total rejection. At first I told my self I had done nothing wrong and felt a little angry (ok very angry) that she felt that way. Well that all changed this weekend. I saw her only briefly in a Walmart and we chatted just a little. It hurt so bad to see her the cousin that was as close as sister only a year ago and know that now we merely related and barely knew each other or what to say to one another. It has been breaking my heart for a year and finally I saw today that the blame rests squarely on my shoulders in this department of my life. You see I love my cousin and my Aunt unconditionally I was so close to them that I felt I could go to them with anything and that I would and still would go to the mat for them. But I did something stupid I decided to be the middle man. See over the years there have been alot of hard feelings in my family. By Hard I mean hurtful things said and done. Although I have always tried to walk very carefully and just love everyone with all I had, well let's just say I got stupid. I forgot that the most important thing I could do was be there and to love everyone. I did not stop loving anyone for a second but I stuck my nose(more like walked) in to where I did not belong. I asked questions that were none of my business and because I decided to do this my cousin and my wonderful Aunt got hurt. For this I am truly sorry.
I know that for a year now I have tried to fix things but I was going about it all wrong and in turn have caused more hurt. So... after alot of prayers I have decided to just stop. It hurts me tremendously to take a step back and to let them live their lives because I miss them, but if it hurts them for me to try to force my way in then for them and only them I will step back. I hope to see them in passing again many more times and maybe some day they can find it in their hearts to trust me again and allow me one toe in their lives. But, if this is not to be and it is easier for them to shut me out then to risk the hurt I understand and I will love them from a distance. So in closing I am sorry and I wish things were different, but they aren't and I will always be here. I hope this post does not end up causing more pain, but if it does you will know this is the last time I will try to force my self into your life and I love you and always will. Good night.
To everyone else thanks for reading and please pray for me to be strong to promise and to be the cousin and niece they need for me to be; even if that means the one they no longer know.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I am doing well

My first stiry strip fell off today so I have seen the first of my 4 cuts from the doc. Although they are straight they are still a little sore but otherwise they look good well the one I can see does anyway. I have a check up tomorrow with the doc to make sure I am good to go and then mom and I are going to go up to High Pine My mom's home and hang out play cards and do our nails. I plan to take pics of my boys and I will share them with you. Please continue to pray for my cuz suz she is doing pretty good, but those 4 babies are getting pretty heavy and that can be hard on a mommy and may not allow the babies to reach their full term so please pray you can check on her at .
Ok this all for now I am going to get my hair cut for the first time since I was prego with Aaron nothing dramatic just some much needed maintance.