So almost exactly a year ago I lost my closest cousin. No not to death but to a complete and total rejection. At first I told my self I had done nothing wrong and felt a little angry (ok very angry) that she felt that way. Well that all changed this weekend. I saw her only briefly in a Walmart and we chatted just a little. It hurt so bad to see her the cousin that was as close as sister only a year ago and know that now we merely related and barely knew each other or what to say to one another. It has been breaking my heart for a year and finally I saw today that the blame rests squarely on my shoulders in this department of my life. You see I love my cousin and my Aunt unconditionally I was so close to them that I felt I could go to them with anything and that I would and still would go to the mat for them. But I did something stupid I decided to be the middle man. See over the years there have been alot of hard feelings in my family. By Hard I mean hurtful things said and done. Although I have always tried to walk very carefully and just love everyone with all I had, well let's just say I got stupid. I forgot that the most important thing I could do was be there and to love everyone. I did not stop loving anyone for a second but I stuck my nose(more like walked) in to where I did not belong. I asked questions that were none of my business and because I decided to do this my cousin and my wonderful Aunt got hurt. For this I am truly sorry.
I know that for a year now I have tried to fix things but I was going about it all wrong and in turn have caused more hurt. So... after alot of prayers I have decided to just stop. It hurts me tremendously to take a step back and to let them live their lives because I miss them, but if it hurts them for me to try to force my way in then for them and only them I will step back. I hope to see them in passing again many more times and maybe some day they can find it in their hearts to trust me again and allow me one toe in their lives. But, if this is not to be and it is easier for them to shut me out then to risk the hurt I understand and I will love them from a distance. So in closing I am sorry and I wish things were different, but they aren't and I will always be here. I hope this post does not end up causing more pain, but if it does you will know this is the last time I will try to force my self into your life and I love you and always will. Good night.
To everyone else thanks for reading and please pray for me to be strong to promise and to be the cousin and niece they need for me to be; even if that means the one they no longer know.
3 comments:
This is such a hard thing especially when you care so much for those being hurt. The most that you can do is pray and pray and pray regardless if they are tired for the bull#*$! and don't want to hear it GOD can change that if that is his will for their lives. Hang in there babe. You have taken the first step.... committment...and now pray!!!!
I will be out for a week because I will be teach VBS @ church this next week and it is half a day and we may be staying in Comstock that week to visit with the inlaws. I will in in Fredericksburg with them Friday thru Sunday for the tradedays. I THINK MY BOSS IS FREAKING OUT A BIT.. THEY ARE GETTING AN AGENT IN HERE ALL NEXT WEEK TO DO THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COME UP LIKE GETTING THE MAIL, SENDING THE MAIL OUT, RECVING VISITORS,AND TAKING PHONE CALLS.
I hope that she won't be replacing me.
My sweet loving girlie, do not blame yourself completely. No one person is ever the entire cause or problem...
You give so much of yourself and I am proud of you but know that it hurts sometimes too. I also know that we all contributed to this problem and that we certainly did not intend for it to turn into this incredible hurt for so many that we love. Families can be such a blessing and can hurt so much. I pray that this will get better SOON and I also pray that you will be able to find some peace too. I love you mucho, and hope they some day realize we love them too.
You are a blessing to my life and many others and I am proud to call you not only my daughter but my sister :-)
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